Hi everyone!
For those of you that don’t know, this summer I am an
Admissions Representative for Hope International University (where I attend
school, in case you are really far behind). This job is basically “the dream”
for me. I get to travel to CIY Move conferences and a camp for 7 weeks, talk
with high school students every day, and represent a university that has made
me such a better person and taught me so much about God.
A little background first, before the word vomit really
begins. CIY stands for Christ in Youth and they host conferences for students
in fourth grade to the time they graduate high school to teach them about God
and transform their lives for Christ. It was at their conference for junior
high students, Believe, that I decided I wanted to be baptized and give my life
to God. It was at their conference for high school students, MOVE, where I first
felt the call to ministry in my life. CIY has been a huge part of my walk with
God and getting to be on the other side of it all and create the atmosphere and
experience for them to connect with Jesus in a new way is such a privilege. I’m
getting a view of ministry on such a large scale and in ways that I never
expected.
The cool thing about doing ministry is that while you’re
helping others, others are helping you. While you’re teaching others, others
are teaching you. Every day, literally every day, I am learning new things. I
have learned how to be the one to film speakers and it is such a stressful job.
I have learned how to be the poor soul that tries to keep up with the band in
order to display the lyrics for everyone. I have even learned how to be the
crazy lady working retail and taking inventory. There are these awesome
technical and practical things that I’m learning. But, I’m also learning all
these things that aren’t tangible, that aren’t measurable.
It is the latter things that keep me, kind of, awake at night
(to be quite honest I knock out pretty quickly every night because my days are
so full, AND I LOVE IT. But before I knock out, these are the things that I
ponder.) I have learned about grace, justice, and tension. Three things that
are part of everyday, but don’t hit us until at weird points in time.
Grace: five letters that change everything. Grace is what
covers us. Grace is Jesus dying in our place. Grace rocks for us individually.
Grace means I’m not getting the punishment I deserve. I love grace!!! You know
what I also don’t love? Grace. Grace is so hard. I have learned that I am
really great at extending grace externally. I am a Christian. I am a student
leader. I am going to school to be a pastor. I know that showing grace to
others is what I am called to. So I am kind. But in my heart, I am really,
super, terribly, bad at extending grace. While I’m holding a door open or
having a meal or being grace-ful (not like elegant though, because let’s be
real here) my heart is cringing. My stomach is knotting. My soul is freaking
out. God, has called me on this and I am learning how to turn my heart and my
pride over to him. I don’t deserve grace, but I have it. I get to extend grace
to others and I will learn how to do that, but it is a work in process.
Justice: the battle cry of my generation. You can sit 100 20
year olds down and probably 75 of them will all agree that we should rally
around justice. I believed that I was called to give out justice. Anyone who wronged
those I love deserved justice and since I love Jesus it was my place to give it
out. I was discussing this with one of our directors one week because we were
talking about grace and I felt like justice was pretty closely intertwined. I
told him that I was so frustrated because I felt like people were getting away
with all of their wrongs. It hurt and I had no idea what to do. I told him that
I read about Jesus letting people know that they were wrong and he cut me off
by saying, “Yes, Jesus did call people out, but he never punished them. Justice
is not ours to give.” Let me tell you, I was so caught off guard. So I’ve been
wrestling with what that looks like. Where I’m sitting right now, I’m viewing
justice as the way I should live, not give. I don’t know if that makes sense.
In another week I could be sitting somewhere else and have something else to
say.
Tension: One of the worst things ever. I honestly can’t
think of a time where tension feels comfortable. It can be good and is good
when it does its job, but I for real hate it. I’ve been trying to rest in the
tension I find when it comes to God and it is seriously so hard. Does God plan
all things or does he let us choose? How can he be good and allow bad? Does he
handle all of the salvation or do I have to play a part in it? The biggest
place I was seeing this sort of cognitive dissonance was that every week I’m
encouraging hundreds of students to accept Jesus, but I’m also weeping and
yelling at him because I was watching people I loved go through so much
suffering. One night I just decided to
trust that he was good, even when I couldn’t see it in the moment because I had
seen it in other places. I think that I will be uncomfortably resting in
tension, and that’s why God is God and I am me. I’m not thrilled about it,
because I would kind of like to be in control, but oh well! That’s not
happening anytime soon.
If you’ve stuck around to right now, I applaud you, I almost
didn’t make it here! So many fun things have happened too, like crazy
conversations about Narnia with high school girls, playing red rover on a slip
n slide, and beach volleyball with the CIY staff. This summer is shaping up
quite nicely if I do say so myself.
The red yarn
symbolizes their life. When they tie their yarn to the heart they are tying their
lives to the heart of Jesus.
(Good news,
in my old age I haven’t grown immune to cry nights at CIY.)
The Stage. Pretty
rad. The theme this year is “This Changes Everything
They do something
called the running of the bulls. I get to wear this every Thursday night.
#NoBull
Every Wednesday night they do a talent show. It is
Christmas themed and I’m in love with it.
Unity Pole. Balloons
that light up and symbolize life. It is so beautiful.
