Just ask

I’m not going to lie; the last few weeks have been really rough. My relationships haven’t gone as planned, lots of doubts have crept in, the stress has become over-whelming, and people have just been mean. But, at my worst moments this week, God has been there, and it is so evident as I was reflecting on my week tonight.

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When I was crying about being alone, my friend Debra texted me and we went out to dinner together.

As I doubted my thoughts on a future career, God sent me encouragement.

As my self-esteem got a little shaky, God sent me Casey.

As I got angry at school, God had my mommy text me to encourage me.

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But here’s the thing, I had to go to God and say I can’t be a senior alone, to get help. I hate asking for help. But I couldn’t get help if I didn’t ask for it. Being a Christian doesn’t mean going at it all alone, it means joining a community of people who give and take. When I need help, I have people to help me. When you need help, ask someone. Maybe that first person isn’t the one that’s meant to help you, but there will be someone there to help you. Don’t get discouraged; get encouraged by the love of God. There will always be someone there for you, you just have to ask.

28 “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. 29 Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30 For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”

-Matthew 11:28-30

(I apologize for this little rant)

The end marks a new beginning

Tonight is it. Tonight, I walk across the Franklin Pierce High School Cafetorium stage. I will have gray hair and wrinkles, and spout for too many religiously judgmental things, but I know that I will be 100% present in that moment.

I will stand with my cast one last time.

I will hold Allycen’s hand, my bowing buddy at the end of every show.

And then, I will cry.

Bet you didn’t see that coming! (OK you probably did)

I will cry because it will be the end. I have poured my heart and soul into the FPHS theater program for the last four years, and it all will culminate in a final bow. I’m going to miss backstage dance parties, Saturday morning set days, and the inside jokes that make my heart burst with joy. Trust me that I will never forget the fantastic moments I’ve had.

While I will be sad tonight, I won’t be sad forever, for I will tackle new things, exciting things.

Moving to a new state.

Making new friends.

Learn about my future career.

And tell other people about my life back home.

Unfortunately, this chapter must close. There is no way around it. But the end of one chapter means the start of a new one. Am I ready for that? I think so. At least I will be when the time comes to start writing me new chapters. But, for right now, I will live in the moment and let these chapters end in their entirety. Because nothing is more beautiful than living in the moment.

I'm a scaredy cat

I’m a big scaredy-cat. I’m afraid of snakes, the dark, scary movies, and clowns. There is actually an extremely long list of things I’m afraid of. But, the thing that scares me the most, are the things I have no control over, which leads me to fear dreams.

If you know me, you know that I am a dreamer. (I know that’s a contradiction, but just stay with me.) I’m constantly thinking about my future. Where I’ll live, what college will be like, what job I’ll have, and who I’ll meet are all questions and thoughts that scare me.

I have tried to avoid thinking them, but I just can’t. Every single attempt has failed. So, I’m left with my thoughts and the things I want, but I’m not sure I’ll ever have.

It causes me to not want.

I can’t control how others will feel about me, or what obstacles will be thrown at me or what will happen to others and I can’t waste my time on those thoughts, and neither should you.

I am a part of a fantastic Bible study that has a terrible tendency of sharing everything. Every time I share something I want, one of my desires, my girls always tell me to pray about it, and I usually reply with, “but I’m scared.” Obviously God’s plans are better than my own, but they aren’t my own plans and I’m scared of that. My Bible study leader replies with the same thing every time. “What’s the worst that could happen? He’ll have three replies either yes, not right now, or I have something better.” I then go and pray because Alyson is just a fount of wisdom.

So what desires do you have that you are scared share with God? Because trust me, it’s better than planning for yourself.

(This is my over-dramatic scared face. You like?)

Where my shoes will be (Part 2 of Let it go)

So, if you have just started reading this blog, I encourage you to read the last one. Go ahead, I’ll wait.

Now that we are all caught up, here is where the sstory continues.The speaker at the event then continued to say that he regretted not ever facing his fears and going in the deep end. “How many times are not going in the deep end where life is more exciting, where we need to be?” As I’m sitting on the floor with hundreds of other kids I don’t know, God spoke to me. He told me where I’ll be attending school next year.

Next year, my shoes will have sand on the bottom. They will be sticky from spills at amusement parks. They will be wet from sweat, not rain. (I realize that’s gross, but we all have feet that sweat.) They will be taking me on adventures in Fullerton, California. That’s right ladies and gentlemen; I’ll be attending Hope International University in the fall. That is my deep end. That is taking a chance, but I know that’s where God wants me. I will be majoring in family and youth ministry and learning about a culture I desire to change. I will be taking a chance, but God will be right there, holding me. AND I’M SO EXCITED!

Please pray for finanacial assitance to come through and that fear wouldn't get the better of me as I get closer to my departure.

Let it go

Those three words can pack quite a punch, but sometimes, they are just what we need to hear. Last Sunday at church, I was speaking with Paula Dawson, a woman who could be another mom to me, and we were talking about college. Her son, Drew, is my age and Drew, Paula, and dad/father Paul had just got back from checking Drew’s first choice school and she asked me if I had made up my mind. I promptly told her no, because while I was leaning towards a school, I hadn’t made up my mind. She said, “That’s OK, but it’s so exciting because God has you right in his hands.” While I realize that, I often forget it.

Tuesday night my soul sista, Maddi, sent me the picture above for two reasons. One, because I adore balloons (another story for another blog), and reason number two is because I tend to hold onto things for far too long. Balloons are the perfect symbol for letting things go. They just float away and never return again. I remember being little and letting balloons go in remembrance of loved ones who had passed away. My sisters and I would stare at the sky longing for them to return, but realizing that was impossible.

 

God used that image to penetrate my heart that night. I went to bed that night with a heavy heart. I needed to make some college decisions and didn’t know how. I just started crying and said,
“OK God you take this. I don’t want to deal with it any more. I’m putting it in your hands and just give me a sign and I’ll go to the college you choose. AMEN!!!!!” With that, I cried a little more and went to sleep.

 

Wednesday, I attended the Josten’s Leadership Conference at the Kent Showare Center. The first speaker of the day was from inner-city Chicago and never learned how to swim. When he and his friends went on a cruise, he never left the shallow end.

 

And on that note, you’ll have to wait a little longer to see how this story ends. A Pocahontas movie night with my sisters is calling my name. It is the important things in life.

My new life

I made some mistakes last week:

1.       I wore TOMS when I should have worn rain boots and rain boots when I should have worn TOMS.

2.       I ordered mac ‘n’ cheese at the Red Robin when they were all out.

3.       I let people ruin my week who won’t matter after I graduate.

Some of the things I learned last week:

1.       Accurately monitor the weather forecast while living in Washington

2.       Always have a well thought out backup plan when ordering at a restaurant (my mac ‘n’ cheese alternative was a burger with things I hate on it. TALK ABOUT DISAPPOINTMENT!)

3.       No one should control my happiness.

I also learned that we learn lessons too late. Many of these could have been avoided if I had slowed down and checked the weather, checked the menu, or checked with God. Huh, funny right? In our fast-paced world, we make brash decisions that hurt us in the future. Imagine if life slowed down a little. If we didn’t have 30 million things to do, voices we’re listening too, and expectations we think we have, would we make different choices? I would.

Tomorrow marks a change in my life. Life really can’t slow down, but my perspective can. I won’t wear my TOMS to impress others (which is kind of what I did), I’ll consider my meal orders to make sure I get what I want, and I won’t let anyone determine my level of happiness, that’s between me and God. You should adopt that philosophy too. The first time I can ever remember hearing this advice was watching The Princess Diaries when Joe informs Mia that:

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.

-Eleanor Roosevelt

Eleanor Roosevelt knew that no one would determine her happiness

and no one will determine mine.

(I realize that this is more of a New Year's Resolution post, but I didn't have this epiphany until just now)

The things shoes have endured

Chances are someone has told you to walk a day in their shoes, that person’s shoes, someone else’s shoes, etc. If you had to literally walk in my shoes, you’d be pretty lucky considering I basically wear TOMS and Converse every day, I value comfort. But, if you figuratively walked in my shoes, it wouldn’t always be comfy. That’s not to say that I have a hard life, but I’m 18 years old, trying to plan my future, and be present in my day-to-day life. I know, that’s nothing compared to what the rest of the world has going on, but each person’s journey is filled with hard-ships that are monumental to them. My shoes have been soaked in tears, caked in the mud of trials, dusted with the laughter of friends, and worn out by the adventures of life. Think about what your shoes have endured and where they could take you.