College is weird

*DISCLAIMER: Please pardon this mild bout of teenage angst. I hope it encourages others to talk about being awkward, which will hopefully help you feel less awkward. This is not a plea for help or fake complimets, it is merely some word vomit on page. I'm happy where I am and would change it for the world.*

Here is what I’ve discovered; the first year of college might be the most INSANELY awkward time of your life. Forget middle school, and that’s saying something because those were pretty harsh on me, the first year of college is bizarre.

To start, many first time college kids have never spent anytime truly being independent. They just spent the last eighteen years either having their moves dictated by their parents or narrating their moves to their parents. Then, you pack up, get dropped off, and the boundary is suddenly different. For me, I moved 1,000+ miles away and I mean I could call my parents when I got in every night but, 1) that would be weird and 2) they can’t really do much about my actions. (I promise, I haven’t become some crazy rebel, and I still respect my parents more than you could ever know.) For kids and parents alike, it’s this awkward, “WHAT DO WE DO???!!!!” moment that takes quite a bit of trial and error.

Second, I don’t know about you, but I lived in the same area with the same people for most of my life. I met a solid group of kids in fourth grade, and while there was some fluctuating numbers, I really didn’t have to truly make friends. I went from obligated to friendships, to “am I even socially acceptable anymore?” Awkward, to say the least.

From there, you’re thrown in a building with hundreds of other people who weren’t raised like you. Conflict resolution, bathroom time, the sleeping situation, the study habits, EVERYTHING requires some weird form of co-existing. College is like the ultimate blended family without parents. I’m still trying to figure it out.

Some days, I really feel like I’m getting the hang of my new life. I feel confident, strong, sure of myself. Then days, like this week, I just feel awkward, like I’m just stumbling through college. I’ve felt so out of my comfort zone this week. I went to go pick up a soccer ball and I just couldn’t grab it, my hands couldn’t compute what my brain was telling it to do and I ultimately looked like a fool.

I had those days in high school too. And maybe the rest of my life will be like that. One day, I’m the swan, the next day I’m the ugly duckling. Maybe that’s OK though? And maybe I’m just crazy?

So, what about you? Every feel like you span the spectrum? Any advice on not being awkward in college?

^College is kind of like this^

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

So, it’s been about one year since I started a blog. It’s funny because I’m sitting in the same spot looking out the same window that I did when I wrote my first blog. I can’t help but think about how much life has changed in the year. I’ve said some tough good-byes and even harder “see-ya laters”. But I’ve also met beautiful people and moved to a new city that has helped grow in ways I never imagined.

With all of that being said, I’ve decided to make some New Year’s Resolutions.

(All of you who are anti-resolution feel free to stop reading and keep cynical comments to yourself.)

Here are my four resolutions:

1.       Get healthy (I know cliché)

2.       Go on more adventures

3.       Write more letters

4.       Remember that I am a branch

I know, getting healthy is a resolution that everyone makes, but a) I get to go to Hawaii (WOOT WOOT) and b) I’m going into a career field where I will be, hopefully, a role model. I want to set the example that taking care of yourself is not selfish, but important. It’s something that is going to be extremely difficult for myself, but I’m going about it in a different way, so hopefully that will get better results.

Adventures, something I’ve always fantasized about but never actually done. I mean I’ve had adventures here and there, but it’s time for me to do it more. To start, adventures scare me more than clowns (another blog for another day, maybe). Adventuring means trusting things you’ve never trusted, and meeting people you‘ve never dreamt of meeting, and seeing things that might rock your world, but it’s all OK. I just got back from an adventure with two of my best friends where we sat in a lecture hall for three hundred and tweeted on a giant projection screen. The whole time, I was a nervous wreck, but it was so fun and I would do it again (look, I’m already making good on my resolutions). Now that I’m in a new city, and I know I can handle the academic part of college, I vow to explore more and have more fun!

I love getting letters, but I can’t expect to get letters without sending them, so I vow to write one letter a week. If you want a letter from the fabulous state of CA, or while I’m in WA, send me your address! That’s really all of the elaboration that’s needed.

Now being a branch, you probably think I’m a crazy tree-hugger, but bear with me here and I’ll explain.  The very first Bible verse I was encouraged to memorize was John 15:5 “I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing.” I’m pretty sure I didn’t actually memorize it, but it has recently come back on my heart. You only know what kind of a branch the branch is by what it is connected to. Where I’m connecting myself determines who I am. I must remember to always connect myself to God.

And with that, I conclude my explanations of my resolutions. Let me know what yours are!

Let's Chat

I would like to sit down with you and talk.

Most likely talk some sense into you.

You’d probably talk some sense into me.

We’d laugh, cry, and leave feeling better.

If I had my way, I would take a megaphone and yell to the entire world this message, but megaphones are relatively expensive, so are plane tickets, and I’ve come down with a cold so my voice would do no good anyways.

Here is what I would tell everyone:

You are so wanted and so loved. There is a God out there who has done more than we could ever fathom who is chasing after you, screaming at you. But you are too busy listening to your iPod, your mom, your friend, your boyfriend, and the myriad of other things that are calling at. You are running so fast to get away from a hurt or a lie or something to stop. To stop running and silence the world and here a soft whisper say, “I am here.”

After I said that, you would have to say the same thing to me, because this semester, I’ve been listening to all the wrong things and trying to push out the right things. I can’t tell you why really. Actually, that’s a lie, I know exactly why. I’ve been so frightened to face the things that frighten me.

When I first moved to California, I was so actively pursuing God. He was everything I could ever want or need and I was trusting. After the hub-bub of moving, my world became quiet and I began to hear God even more. He began challenging me to face the stuff I was running from and to be quite honest; I didn’t think I could do it. I didn’t have my solid support system in place and even if they were all there I didn’t know if I could face them.

So instead of becoming addicted to God, I became addicted to social media. How is my family doing? How many likes can this post get? What a cute couple! And the list went on.

Except God didn’t give up on me as easy as I gave up on him. Little messages began to pull on my heart until November 29^th when I was asked, “Where are you finding your identity?” And I knew that I was finding it in all of the wrong places.

Where are you finding your identity?

Here is what I want you to do.

Grab a piece of paper and write five things you’re thankful and then write five things you want to accomplish. Not like a bucket list, I mean I suppose it could be, but look at the things you want to accomplish and remind yourself that you can’t do it, but you can do it with God. And then, when you doubt God, look at the things you’re thankful for and remember that he was a part of those things, and he will be a part of your future as well.

So, let’s get scared together. Let’s face our greatest fears together and then pause and say, “Thank you, God” together when we’ve succeeded.

Thank God for Hometowns

Carrie Underwood sings a beautiful song called “Thank God for Hometowns”. I heard it this summer and wondered if I would ever be able to truly relate. The hometown she describes is small, where everyone knows everyone, and Tacoma is quite far from that.

This past week silenced my doubts. True, I know hardly anyone in the great city of Tacoma, but I know enough.

I was blessed with an unexpected gift of being able to go home for Thanksgiving break, which is one week for m school, and it was so the perfect gift.

One of my favorite days being home was Sunday, where I hugged more people in one day than I had the entire time I was in California and it was refreshing; to be reminded that there are dozens of people still supporting me, praying for me, loving on my family. To everyone that hugged me that day, I don’t think you realize how much I needed that.

I also had countless conversations with people about my time at school. Each conversation reminded me that I am doing the right thing. College is probably the scariest adventure I’ve ever been on, but I love it. I don’t think I would change the things that brought me to this moment. Sure some of it has been hard, unpleasant, uncomfortable, etc. but it has been so worth it. I’ve grown more in these last few months than I have ever in my life.

This doesn’t mean I don’t miss my hometown, it just means I appreciate my two different lives even more than before. But I’m also ready to be back home for Christmas too.

                                                                                                                                                                              

So to all of you who make up my life in Washington:

I love you. It almost makes me cry to think about the amazing community I’ll always have. Carrie Underwood’s song says, “Cause when you’re lost out in this crazy world/you’ve got somewhere to go/ that you get found”. Every time I feel a little lost, you all remind me that God has me here for a purpose. I’m also grateful for the open arms I find when I get to be with you.

 

To all of you who make up my life in California:

You are helping me have two hometowns. You are showing me love and I couldn’t be here without you. For however long God has me here in Cali, I’m blessed that I can journey with all of you.

 

 







I didn't expect to cry so much

Thursday September 6^th was when the college experience really started for me. Sure, I had been on campus for almost three weeks, but this was when it got hard. Like the get-on-a-plane-and-never-look-back hard. But I should pause for a second with how it all started.

Thursday mornings on campus are chapel mornings and this morning happened to be the ASB Chapel, and they ended it by having us write on notecards what God was really laying on our hearts for this year. I distinctly remember hearing him say, “Trust me.” I figured I could totally do that. I mean, I trusted him in my college decision which landed me in California, approximately 1135.29 miles from my family and friends. But who’s counting? I just got a little teary eyed, nothing major, and walked out.

I called my mom because I had some time before my class started to find out that my grandma was sick, but no big deal. My mom was on her way to take her to the doctor. People get sick, and that’s OK, I wasn’t in a panic. But, I was finally getting homesick. I realized this wasn’t camp or CIY, I wasn’t going home. The first moment it hit me was the first night my dorm had ants, like hundreds of them. I got up in the middle of the night to check and see what was going on and thought, “It’s no big deal, I’ll be going home soon,” basically the thought that crosses my mind every time something goes wrong at camp. Needless to say, I woke up from that reality rather quickly.

Back to my grandma, things went from the doctor's office, to the emergency room, to hospital admittance, to the possibility of cancer, to finding out there’s no cancer(Thank you Lord). I went through all of this in three weeks. It hit before I had even been here one month and I didn’t even know what to do. This isn’t how most kids imagine tackling their first two months away from home, but it happened. I remember telling my friends, “I can’t wait to get through a full 24 hours without crying.” I’m sure people expected me to be a wreck, but I was so ready for a new adventure that I didn’t expect to cry so much!

Rather than going with plan A, get-on-a-plane-and-never-look-back, I went with a better plan, truly trusting God. I probably said once an hour, at least, “OK God, this is me trusting you, but I don’t like it one bit.” Eventually, I grew to willingly trust God, and not grumble, but it wasn’t easy. God didn’t abandon me at all. I received multiple text messages, Facebook messages, and phone calls during that time from people who did and didn’t know what was going on being constant sources of encouragement. I began to develop my Hope community because I knew, and my mom knew, and God knew I wouldn’t be able to handle it all on my own.

I’m continually reminded that I don’t have to handle things alone, that it isn’t supposed to be easy, and that God is good even when life is a little rough.

And I’m pretty sure crying is OK.

One Month In

On this day one month ago, I moved into my dorm room, said good bye to my family (so hard), and began a new chapter in my life. This post is written to introduce all of you to new characters in my life and show you my new setting.

 

Katie Lee (Roommate)

Major: Musical Theater

Goes to CSU Fullerton, but sleeps here at HIU

Thank you for serenading me with your beautiful music and always making me laugh. You’ve reminded me that I don’t need to take myself too seriously and that it’s OK to have fun. I can’t wait to come and see you perform on Broadway and say, “I knew her when…”

 

Alyssa Heftman (Roommate)

Major: Liberal Studies

Wants to be a an elementary school teacher and takes classes at HIU

Thank you for catching my funny moments and laughing and for buying me an Oreo McFlurry and for listening, and for praying with me, and for being you. You are going to be the greatest elementary school teacher the world has ever seen.

 

 

 

Nicole Bernadini (Roommate)

Major: Graphic design

Goes to CSU Fullerton, but sleeps here

Thank you for making such beautiful artwork that I get to see, and for listening to me. I love your laugh and how crazy faces make your day. You are going to make such beautiful pieces that will be displayed in galleries around the world.

 

Jordan Lewis

Major: currently undeclared, but wants to become a nutritionist

Takes classes here at HIU and lives across the hall from me

Thank you for being from Oregon and understanding how it feels to be homesick. I’ve been so blessed by spending time with you. You are intelligent and beautiful and will do wonderful things. No matter where we end up, I’ll be there for you.

Faith Wilson

Major: Biblical Studies

Takes classes at HIU and had my dorm room last year

From our first 145!!!! I knew we would be friends. Thanks for letting me cry, being excited about ministry and sharing a love for the same junk foods I do.

 

 

Brit Thackam (Full name is too cool for the internet)

Major: English

Takes classes at HIU and is one of many wonderful RAs

Thank you for listening to me and making me feel valuable here on campus for this first month. You’re encouragement has probably meant more to me than you’ll know. Oh, and thanks for introducing me to Pie-ology!

 

 

 

My bed and stuffed animals I just HAD to bring from home!

 



My desk, I promise I spend hours here!

 

The family collage that Debra Weins made for me. It distracts me more than anything when I'm studying at my desk. OOOPPS!

 

A close up of the collage. Don't stare too hard, some of those photos are a little embarassing...

 

 

View of little desk area and patio. It's kind of a lie though because we NEVER open our blinds, it is far too hot right now for that!

 

My oh so glorious fan! It runs 24/7. Best $22 ever spent!

 

The view as soon as you walk in. Our room is set up a little different, there are actually walls that break one omni-room into two. I share my side with Katie. We also have a tiny bathroom, but it's in the room which is a plus!

 

Just the start of m decorations on my wall. I'm starting to build memories here! The Kite and rainbow were made by Lilly Michael. The Michael family has been so kind and opened up their home to me. They are such a blessing!

 

I've covered my carts with pictures, notes, and memories from home. I love it!

 

My textbooks. What I've absolutely loved about the last month here has been taking a faith, that is so fervent in my heart, and gaining the knowledge to back it up.

 

 

My life in room 145 looks promising!



Um, I'm in college

Slowly but surely the fact that I’m in college is sneaking up on me. The last 36 hours though, it has been very apparent. It all started Saturday night at midnight. I was across the hall in my friend Jordan’s room watching a movie when we heard a knock on the door. There were two of my roommates, Katie and Alyssa, begging me to come back to the room. I thought they were just up to something, nothing major, but I was wrong. There in two neat and strong lines were hundreds of ants walking from our bathroom to our fridge. We called the RA on duty, grabbed a vacuum cleaner to suck them up and freaked out. After we doused the bathroom in Raid, I called home because our fridge was leaking. I knew that there was nothing my dad could really do, but I called him anyways. After things calmed down, I went back into the bathroom at 1:30 AM to check on our unwelcomed guests and realized I was here for good. Mom and Dad weren’t coming to pick me up at the end of the week; I was truly out in the world. It was bizarre.

My sister Kara has taken over my room at home. It is no longer yellow, orange, and pink. It is now a lovely hue of purple and totally her. As happy as I am for her, it is still weird to know that the room I spent all of middle school and high school in isn’t glowing like the sun anymore!

Then tonight, I just went to dinner with friends. I didn’t have to check in. There was no curfew. Nothing.  I couldn’t wrap my brain around it. I’m dealing with tough classes, friendship issues, crushes, shopping, cleaning, all on my own. I could just walk around Fullerton all by myself if I wanted to, and no one could stop me.

But here is the thing; I would NEVER do that because I’ve spent the last 18 years preparing for this season of life. God has truly been shaping me to handle this time of life and I’m so blessed to have had people in my life leading up to this point that care. A mom and dad who realistically and safely presented the world to me, teachers who told me to do my homework, mentors who reminded me that I find my identity in Christ, and so many other people. If you are reading this and knew me before my time here at Hope, I truly and sincerely thank you for having a hand in making me. God used you to prepare me for college.

 

P.S. My next post will be more of a picture blog, of the people and places of MY Fullerton, CA.