Soundtracks and Stories

Taylor Swift has released a new album (I know this seems irrelevant, but stay with me). I grew up with Taylor Swift. She wrote about first crushes, when I had my first crush. She wrote about starting high school, when I started high school. She wrote about remembering people and memories just as I was graduating from high school. She wrote about just loving life when I was paralyzed by what others thought about me. I feel so comfortable letting her write the soundtrack to my life.

But I have a confession; I don’t feel nearly as comfortable with letting God write my story. It actually terrifies me. Trusting him has been a slow learning process, but I’ve never been able to deny him when I know what my next steps with him look like, which is why I’m writing this.

In 44 days, my mom, Merida (my car) and I will be driving away from Hope International University to Washington. Just writing that makes me want to cry a little. In January I will start an internship with Rainier View Christian Church and receive credit for it as my senior year. When I first enrolled at HIU, this was a gift from God. I didn’t think that I would like HIU, or Southern California, or living 1,000 miles away from everyone and everything I knew. But then ants infested my room, I participated in paint wars, went to Disneyland, served with a church, served my school, got my first job, and did 1,000,000 other things that made this place feel like home.

When it came time to legitimately look at what my senior year would look like, I prayed about all of the different options, I even looked at going to Arizona for my senior year (glad that didn’t happen!), but I felt this pull back to Washington. So instead of denying God, I continued to pursue this track.

But here is another confession; I’m terrified! Like anxiety ridden kind of scared. What if I’m a terrible intern? What if I’m a terrible youth pastor? What if I don’t have any friends? What if people don’t like me anymore? What if living at home is harder than I expect? And if I’m bad at my job, when will I take up residence under a bridge?

Some of these are irrational, and I acknowledge that. But, some of these are very real and I’ve been praying about them, and they haven’t gone away. Instead, it is like God has gotten louder. He is shouting over my fears, telling me to trust him and we will figure it out together. I am not alone in this, because God is guiding me and people are supporting me, and he has been providing in crazy ways. By bringing old friends back into my life and showing me that I am gifted in unique ways, and showing me that ministry might be bigger than I could have ever imagined, I know that I’m headed for a full and rich life with him by my side.

While I’m scared, I know that those fears won’t last forever. And Taylor Swift has a new song about moving and how exciting it is, so I’ll jam to “Welcome to New York” and I’ll pray to God and I’ll confide in others, and I’ll let you know how this all unfolds.

CIY Lyfe

Hi everyone!

For those of you that don’t know, this summer I am an Admissions Representative for Hope International University (where I attend school, in case you are really far behind). This job is basically “the dream” for me. I get to travel to CIY Move conferences and a camp for 7 weeks, talk with high school students every day, and represent a university that has made me such a better person and taught me so much about God.

A little background first, before the word vomit really begins. CIY stands for Christ in Youth and they host conferences for students in fourth grade to the time they graduate high school to teach them about God and transform their lives for Christ. It was at their conference for junior high students, Believe, that I decided I wanted to be baptized and give my life to God. It was at their conference for high school students, MOVE, where I first felt the call to ministry in my life. CIY has been a huge part of my walk with God and getting to be on the other side of it all and create the atmosphere and experience for them to connect with Jesus in a new way is such a privilege. I’m getting a view of ministry on such a large scale and in ways that I never expected.

The cool thing about doing ministry is that while you’re helping others, others are helping you. While you’re teaching others, others are teaching you. Every day, literally every day, I am learning new things. I have learned how to be the one to film speakers and it is such a stressful job. I have learned how to be the poor soul that tries to keep up with the band in order to display the lyrics for everyone. I have even learned how to be the crazy lady working retail and taking inventory. There are these awesome technical and practical things that I’m learning. But, I’m also learning all these things that aren’t tangible, that aren’t measurable.

It is the latter things that keep me, kind of, awake at night (to be quite honest I knock out pretty quickly every night because my days are so full, AND I LOVE IT. But before I knock out, these are the things that I ponder.) I have learned about grace, justice, and tension. Three things that are part of everyday, but don’t hit us until at weird points in time.

Grace: five letters that change everything. Grace is what covers us. Grace is Jesus dying in our place. Grace rocks for us individually. Grace means I’m not getting the punishment I deserve. I love grace!!! You know what I also don’t love? Grace. Grace is so hard. I have learned that I am really great at extending grace externally. I am a Christian. I am a student leader. I am going to school to be a pastor. I know that showing grace to others is what I am called to. So I am kind. But in my heart, I am really, super, terribly, bad at extending grace. While I’m holding a door open or having a meal or being grace-ful (not like elegant though, because let’s be real here) my heart is cringing. My stomach is knotting. My soul is freaking out. God, has called me on this and I am learning how to turn my heart and my pride over to him. I don’t deserve grace, but I have it. I get to extend grace to others and I will learn how to do that, but it is a work in process.

Justice: the battle cry of my generation. You can sit 100 20 year olds down and probably 75 of them will all agree that we should rally around justice. I believed that I was called to give out justice. Anyone who wronged those I love deserved justice and since I love Jesus it was my place to give it out. I was discussing this with one of our directors one week because we were talking about grace and I felt like justice was pretty closely intertwined. I told him that I was so frustrated because I felt like people were getting away with all of their wrongs. It hurt and I had no idea what to do. I told him that I read about Jesus letting people know that they were wrong and he cut me off by saying, “Yes, Jesus did call people out, but he never punished them. Justice is not ours to give.” Let me tell you, I was so caught off guard. So I’ve been wrestling with what that looks like. Where I’m sitting right now, I’m viewing justice as the way I should live, not give. I don’t know if that makes sense. In another week I could be sitting somewhere else and have something else to say.

Tension: One of the worst things ever. I honestly can’t think of a time where tension feels comfortable. It can be good and is good when it does its job, but I for real hate it. I’ve been trying to rest in the tension I find when it comes to God and it is seriously so hard. Does God plan all things or does he let us choose? How can he be good and allow bad? Does he handle all of the salvation or do I have to play a part in it? The biggest place I was seeing this sort of cognitive dissonance was that every week I’m encouraging hundreds of students to accept Jesus, but I’m also weeping and yelling at him because I was watching people I loved go through so much suffering.  One night I just decided to trust that he was good, even when I couldn’t see it in the moment because I had seen it in other places. I think that I will be uncomfortably resting in tension, and that’s why God is God and I am me. I’m not thrilled about it, because I would kind of like to be in control, but oh well! That’s not happening anytime soon.

If you’ve stuck around to right now, I applaud you, I almost didn’t make it here! So many fun things have happened too, like crazy conversations about Narnia with high school girls, playing red rover on a slip n slide, and beach volleyball with the CIY staff. This summer is shaping up quite nicely if I do say so myself.

The red yarn symbolizes their life. When they tie their yarn to the heart they are tying their lives to the heart of Jesus.

                              (Good news, in my old age I haven’t grown immune to cry nights at CIY.)

The Stage. Pretty rad. The theme this year is “This Changes Everything

They do something called the running of the bulls. I get to wear this every Thursday night. #NoBull

Every Wednesday night they do a talent show. It is Christmas themed and I’m in love with it.

Unity Pole. Balloons that light up and symbolize life. It is so beautiful.

A little bit of a life update

·         Things at Hope International University

o   I’m wrapping up my fourth semester

o   I spent the year being a small group leader for a group of Korean students and they taught me so much about loving the experience you’re having. I’m really going to miss these girls.

o   I was a member of the Student Activities (SA) team this year at school. The team focused on building fellowship at school through community events. While I learned about leadership I learned even more about friendship, working with difficult people, and being OK with myself. I will be forever indebted to these individuals.

o   I am officially a Church Ministry Major under the Track 2 or 3 program

§  This means that my senior year will be spent interning full time in a church getting really hands on and practical experience in working in the church setting.

§  There were two locations that were approved for me to attend. One was in Arizona and I was ready to go. A year in a new place, meeting new people, and becoming dehydrated by just breathing were all calling my name. I met with the coordinator and I got feelings from The Lord that said don’t go there.

§  So, I will be spending my senior year at Rainier View Christian Church in Washington, and I’M SO EXCITED!

§  This will start January 2015 and in December 2015 I’ll graduate and then look for big kid jobs, so that will be fun.

o   At the start of the semester I was promoted to “Lead Campus Visit Ambassador”  which means I oversee Campus Visits and I love working for admissions and building so many great relationship

o   I got a Disneyland pass, so that has been AWESOME and I’m really still just a child.

·         Summer Plans

o   I am taking a May term class, so I will be heading home on May 30.

o   The class is Leadership Skills and by taking it over two week time span I don’t have to do a huge project.

o   On June 16^th I will be heading back to California for my summer job.

o   My summer job is titled “Admissions Representative” and I get to travel to camps and conferences all summer, work with high school students, and talk about HIU. I’m so excited for this job and the team I’m working with. We are going to learn so much and have so much fun.

·         Things I've learned

o   How to work in a team.

o   How to stand up for myself.

o   That above all God loves us all.

o   I’m not bossy, I’m the boss.

·         Random

o   I still miss my family a lot.

o   I only have one semester left at HIU.

o   I’m going to miss Southern California, A LOT!

23 Things You Should Just Do, Period.

I’ve seen a lot of lists lately, and all of them made some points I agreed with and some I disagreed with. That is the way the world goes and I love it. I love it so much that I’ve decided to jump on the band wagon and make my own list.* These are things that you can do, no matter your race, socio-economic status, gender, sexual orientation, or relationship status.

 

23 things you should just do, period.

1.       Go explore. I don’t care where you do this, just do it. Locally, nationally, internationally, or universally (that’s right go to the moon), there is always something out there that you haven’t seen, so go see it.

2.       Relax. There is no need to let stress get you down. If that means talking it out, working it out, or bathing it out, just let it out!

3.       Brush your teeth. No one wants to smell your rank morning breath combined with your Olive Garden lunch, so just brush your teeth.

4.       Love others. This is something Christians are called to do (Mark 12:31), but I think that this is something everyone should do. If you are taking care of yourself (relaxing, basic hygiene), it is much easier to take care of and love others.

5.       Have an open door policy. Be an ear for people and offer them a blanket to sleep with if they need it. We are all looking to connect with people, so make it easy for people to connect with you.

6.       Call your mentors. You know those people who helped you get to where you are? Call them and say thank you. People don’t hear that enough (unless you help me at Chick-fil-a, in which case I’m overly nice because you are overly nice).

7.       Volunteer. Everyone has something to offer, so use your gifts and help others.

8.       Bake a cake. Bake it for yourself, for your friends, for your less-than-friends, for everyone, because everyone loves cake. (Disclaimer: If you don’t love cake, I’m sorry I lumped you into this, bake whatever you like and share it, maybe you’ll meet someone else who doesn’t like cake and you can overthrow me.)

9.       Find something you are passionate about at this moment in your life. I’m 20, and in these brief two decades I have wanted to be; the first woman president, a ballerina, a mom, a teacher, a pop star/Broadway star/movie star/TV star, and now I want to be a pastor. In another 10 years, I have no idea what I’ll want to be doing, but right now I know what I’m passionate about and I’m running with it.

10.   Talk with someone who has a completely different life story. It is always good to hear stories that you’ve never experienced, it takes all kinds of people to make this world go round, and instead of criticizing others, encourage others to be the best they can be.

11.   Friends. Make them, love them, treasure them. Case closed.

12.   Go garage sale-ing. You find the coolest things, meet the most interesting people, and it is all discounted! WOOT WOOT!

13.   Sing. Whether it is Taylor Swift, Macklemore, or some hipster band only you and your friends know about. Whether it is songs of worship, sadness, or silliness. JUST SING! But I do request that you keep it amongst you and your friends because I’d feel really bad about laughing at you during the American Idol auditions.

14.   Write a letter of encouragement. Ingrid Michaelson has a song that goes, “everybody, everybody wants to love. Everybody, everybody wants to be loved.” It’s true. Show someone some platonic love!

15.   Wear a crazy outfit and go bowling. You could do this by yourself, but it would be WAY more fun to do with friends, trust me, I speak from experience.

16.   Learn to swim. You don’t want to drown, do you? And if you already know how to swim, go for a swim, it is a great workout and low impact on your joints.

17.   Wear an analog watch. Because you’ll feel like Gatsby and “there ain’t no party like a Gatsby party!” It will also help you appreciate how far technology has come.

18.   Listen to your favorite childhood songs. Because it is also a great exercise and it warms your heart.

19.   Draw some mustaches( or as this really cool 5 year old I met says “moose-staches”). Because it will warm your heart, and your upper lip.

20.   Learn how to do something you always wanted to learn. Because you’ll feel awesome and accomplished and it can help you make new friends.

21.   Try a new food. It is a way to adventure without breaking the bank.

22.   Laugh. REALLY REALLY HARD!!! Like to the point where tears start falling, your stomach hurts, and no sound can escape your mouth. It is the best. My sister Stephanie and I laughed like that while she helped me make this list.

23.   Focus on what matters in life. Building each other up is way more important and being hyper-critical of others. Let’s help everyone be the best person they can be no matter what stage of life they are in.

 

*And there are 1,000,000,000,000 other things you should or could do. I won’t tell you what to do, these are just suggestions.

Learning to Embrace Your Wide Open Space

I feel like all of my posts are cheesy and sappy, thanks for indulging me as I get better at this!

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I remember hearing the song “Wide Open Spaces” by the Dixie Chicks as a young girl. I had this crazy fantasy that I was going to move to New York City and be an actress and I thought that I could go anywhere and be anyone I wanted to be.

I got older and heard this song again in late middle/early high school and I thought it was selfish. How you could you leave everyone who helped you grow, loved you unconditionally, and only wanted the best for you. (really, I thought “How could I leave my mom and dad?)

The song hid itself away for a few years, and was one of the first songs that came on my Spotify as I unpacked my dorm room this year. For those of you that don’t know, I left. I found my “wide open spaces,” which proved to have tighter quarters and smoggier air than I expected. But, I learned the lesson anyways.

I learned that every person, in order to truly grow, needs space to discover what the world looks like for that person, no one else. (Later in the future we will talk about understanding perspectives, but this is what is important right now.) The people that help us get there, as hard as it can be, should be celebrated for helping us take that first, scary, terrifying step.

I learned that “wide open spaces” shouldn’t be made to forget where we come from, but to put a little distance there, see the big picture, and learn from where you grew up.

My “wide open space” happened to be the whole west coast, but for you it might be the next city, the next state, or the next country. Whatever you determine is the space you need, learned from where you came and where you’re going.

 

The last part of this song makes me cry every time. I am so blessed to have a mom and dad who are constantly pushing me to learn and take chances and be better. I know that not everyone has parents who have done this for them, but think about who has pushed you and grown you, and thank them.

 

“Wide Open Spaces” by The Dixie Chicks

Who doesn't know what I'm talking about
Who's never left home, who's never struck out
To find a dream and a life of their own
A place in the clouds, a foundation of stone

Many precede and many will follow
A young girl's dream no longer hollow
It takes the shape of a place out west
But what it holds for her, she hasn't yet guessed

[Chorus:]
She needs wide open spaces
Room to make her big mistakes
She needs new faces
She knows the high stakes

She traveled this road as a child
Wide eyed and grinning, she never tired
But now she won't be coming back with the rest
If these are life's lessons, she'll take this test

[Repeat Chorus]
She knows the high stakes

As her folks drive away, her dad yells, "Check the oil!"
Mom stares out the window and says, "I'm leaving my girl"
She said, "It didn't seem like that long ago"
When she stood there and let her own folks know

[Repeat Chorus]
She knows the highest stakes
She knows the highest stakes
She knows the highest stakes
She knows the highest stakes

 

Armor

I used to believe that my childhood armor would protect me for forever. I grew up in my little neighborhood, made little friends, went to a little school, and learned little things along the way.

I learned that collective armor was stronger than singular armor. I first learned that in fourth grade when I joined a community I will never forget. For fourth and fifth grade we were a unit, collectively protecting each other and causing some dents here and there as well.

Our armor was split in half when we went to two different middle schools and some left the district all together.

Our armor was shattered senior year when our dear friend Dallin passed away from his battle with cancer.

Saturday morning, I knew our armor was no longer existent. Jordyn K. passed away from her own struggles on Friday May 21. But she will forever remembered as the girl who pushed the limits in a positive way, made us laugh, and encouraged us to never take ourselves too seriously.

So now we stand naked. Facing a world ready to devour us while we pray for safety and love.

Pray for the strength for each person to rebuild.

Pray for the patience to help others.

Pray that God will grant peace and clarity.

pray

Get me Some Spandex

For this next season of my life, I’m going to need some spandex, a mouth guard, a mask, and/or a cape because I have decided to wrestle.

No, not like that, I’ve decided to wrestle with God.

Every time a question or doubt or issue I had with God came up, I shoved it down. I would say things like, “Well, I love God and that’s most or important.” Or, I would feel shame for being frustrated with God because I was a leader and people depended on me. Honestly, when these rumblings first started, I felt inclined to go back to my old ways, but something is different this time. I still feel a little guilty for not following blindly, but I can’t do it anymore.

I think I’m deciding to fight for two reasons.

One, because I believe it is OK to question. I’ve encouraged it in everyone but me. (I have a terrible habit of giving advice that I can’t take.) It is healthy to really examine your life and the things that it revolves around. I do not doubt God’s existence. I’m still going to church. I haven’t grown apathetic towards God either. So the fears that you have about high school church kids that go away to school and change religions aren’t found here. Granted I’m super frustrated right now and crying more than I have all semester, but I’m not giving up.

Two, I want to do ministry for the rest of my life and hopefully people will be asking these questions and I can say, “Well, here’s what I did, but that isn’t guaranteed to work for you.” I want to walk with others through their questions. I want to encourage them to find their own answers. If I don’t wrestle, I can’t truly wait on the outside of the ring, and cheer on someone else in this fight.

But here is the encouraging thing; every person I’ve talked to has given me a different answer. You would think that would discourage me, but it has done the opposite for two reasons. One, because there is no formula it is going to be hard for me to screw this up. I should have known that God doesn’t give us formulas for anything else, so why should he for this too. Two, other people have struggled just like me! PRAISE THE LORD I’M NOT ALONE! I think that was my biggest fear in asking, that I was going to get weird looks and I would get kicked out my Christian college. I haven’t been kicked out, yet, and my questions have seemed pretty welcomed, so I think I’ll keep asking.

I would ask for some extra prayers though. There is no convenient time for this, and the end of a semester I feel is a particularly gruesome one.  I would also ask you, if you feel comfortable, to share your story with me. What questions have you asked God? How have you handled this process? Chances are, if you’re reading this, you have had a hand in carrying me this far, and I want to thank you for that. You are such a rock star!