Taylor Swift has released a new album (I know this seems irrelevant, but stay with me). I grew up with Taylor Swift. She wrote about first crushes, when I had my first crush. She wrote about starting high school, when I started high school. She wrote about remembering people and memories just as I was graduating from high school. She wrote about just loving life when I was paralyzed by what others thought about me. I feel so comfortable letting her write the soundtrack to my life.
But I have a confession; I don’t feel nearly as comfortable with letting God write my story. It actually terrifies me. Trusting him has been a slow learning process, but I’ve never been able to deny him when I know what my next steps with him look like, which is why I’m writing this.
In 44 days, my mom, Merida (my car) and I will be driving away from Hope International University to Washington. Just writing that makes me want to cry a little. In January I will start an internship with Rainier View Christian Church and receive credit for it as my senior year. When I first enrolled at HIU, this was a gift from God. I didn’t think that I would like HIU, or Southern California, or living 1,000 miles away from everyone and everything I knew. But then ants infested my room, I participated in paint wars, went to Disneyland, served with a church, served my school, got my first job, and did 1,000,000 other things that made this place feel like home.
When it came time to legitimately look at what my senior year would look like, I prayed about all of the different options, I even looked at going to Arizona for my senior year (glad that didn’t happen!), but I felt this pull back to Washington. So instead of denying God, I continued to pursue this track.
But here is another confession; I’m terrified! Like anxiety ridden kind of scared. What if I’m a terrible intern? What if I’m a terrible youth pastor? What if I don’t have any friends? What if people don’t like me anymore? What if living at home is harder than I expect? And if I’m bad at my job, when will I take up residence under a bridge?
Some of these are irrational, and I acknowledge that. But, some of these are very real and I’ve been praying about them, and they haven’t gone away. Instead, it is like God has gotten louder. He is shouting over my fears, telling me to trust him and we will figure it out together. I am not alone in this, because God is guiding me and people are supporting me, and he has been providing in crazy ways. By bringing old friends back into my life and showing me that I am gifted in unique ways, and showing me that ministry might be bigger than I could have ever imagined, I know that I’m headed for a full and rich life with him by my side.
While I’m scared, I know that those fears won’t last forever. And Taylor Swift has a new song about moving and how exciting it is, so I’ll jam to “Welcome to New York” and I’ll pray to God and I’ll confide in others, and I’ll let you know how this all unfolds.
While I’m scared, I know that those fears won’t last forever. And Taylor Swift has a new song about moving and how exciting it is, so I’ll jam to “Welcome to New York” and I’ll pray to God and I’ll confide in others, and I’ll let you know how this all unfolds.
