Sunday, September 1, 2013

Learning to Embrace Your Wide Open Space

I feel like all of my posts are cheesy and sappy, thanks for indulging me as I get better at this!
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I remember hearing the song “Wide Open Spaces” by the Dixie Chicks as a young girl. I had this crazy fantasy that I was going to move to New York City and be an actress and I thought that I could go anywhere and be anyone I wanted to be.

I got older and heard this song again in late middle/early high school and I thought it was selfish. How you could you leave everyone who helped you grow, loved you unconditionally, and only wanted the best for you. (really, I thought “How could I leave my mom and dad?)

The song hid itself away for a few years, and was one of the first songs that came on my Spotify as I unpacked my dorm room this year. For those of you that don’t know, I left. I found my “wide open spaces,” which proved to have tighter quarters and smoggier air than I expected. But, I learned the lesson anyways.

I learned that every person, in order to truly grow, needs space to discover what the world looks like for that person, no one else. (Later in the future we will talk about understanding perspectives, but this is what is important right now.) The people that help us get there, as hard as it can be, should be celebrated for helping us take that first, scary, terrifying step.

I learned that “wide open spaces” shouldn’t be made to forget where we come from, but to put a little distance there, see the big picture, and learn from where you grew up.

My “wide open space” happened to be the whole west coast, but for you it might be the next city, the next state, or the next country. Whatever you determine is the space you need, learned from where you came and where you’re going.

 

The last part of this song makes me cry every time. I am so blessed to have a mom and dad who are constantly pushing me to learn and take chances and be better. I know that not everyone has parents who have done this for them, but think about who has pushed you and grown you, and thank them.

 

“Wide Open Spaces” by The Dixie Chicks

Who doesn't know what I'm talking about
Who's never left home, who's never struck out
To find a dream and a life of their own
A place in the clouds, a foundation of stone

Many precede and many will follow
A young girl's dream no longer hollow
It takes the shape of a place out west
But what it holds for her, she hasn't yet guessed

[Chorus:]
She needs wide open spaces
Room to make her big mistakes
She needs new faces
She knows the high stakes

She traveled this road as a child
Wide eyed and grinning, she never tired
But now she won't be coming back with the rest
If these are life's lessons, she'll take this test

[Repeat Chorus]
She knows the high stakes

As her folks drive away, her dad yells, "Check the oil!"
Mom stares out the window and says, "I'm leaving my girl"
She said, "It didn't seem like that long ago"
When she stood there and let her own folks know

[Repeat Chorus]
She knows the highest stakes
She knows the highest stakes
She knows the highest stakes
She knows the highest stakes

 

Sunday, June 23, 2013

Armor


I used to believe that my childhood armor would protect me for forever. I grew up in my little neighborhood, made little friends, went to a little school, and learned little things along the way.

I learned that collective armor was stronger than singular armor. I first learned that in fourth grade when I joined a community I will never forget. For fourth and fifth grade we were a unit, collectively protecting each other and causing some dents here and there as well.

Our armor was split in half when we went to two different middle schools and some left the district all together.

Our armor was shattered senior year when our dear friend Dallin passed away from his battle with cancer.

Saturday morning, I knew our armor was no longer existent. Jordyn K. passed away from her own struggles on Friday May 21. But she will forever remembered as the girl who pushed the limits in a positive way, made us laugh, and encouraged us to never take ourselves too seriously.

So now we stand naked. Facing a world ready to devour us while we pray for safety and love.

Pray for the strength for each person to rebuild.

Pray for the patience to help others.

Pray that God will grant peace and clarity.

pray

Sunday, April 14, 2013

Get me Some Spandex


For this next season of my life, I’m going to need some spandex, a mouth guard, a mask, and/or a cape because I have decided to wrestle.

No, not like that, I’ve decided to wrestle with God.

Every time a question or doubt or issue I had with God came up, I shoved it down. I would say things like, “Well, I love God and that’s most or important.” Or, I would feel shame for being frustrated with God because I was a leader and people depended on me. Honestly, when these rumblings first started, I felt inclined to go back to my old ways, but something is different this time. I still feel a little guilty for not following blindly, but I can’t do it anymore.

I think I’m deciding to fight for two reasons.

One, because I believe it is OK to question. I’ve encouraged it in everyone but me. (I have a terrible habit of giving advice that I can’t take.) It is healthy to really examine your life and the things that it revolves around. I do not doubt God’s existence. I’m still going to church. I haven’t grown apathetic towards God either. So the fears that you have about high school church kids that go away to school and change religions aren’t found here. Granted I’m super frustrated right now and crying more than I have all semester, but I’m not giving up.

Two, I want to do ministry for the rest of my life and hopefully people will be asking these questions and I can say, “Well, here’s what I did, but that isn’t guaranteed to work for you.” I want to walk with others through their questions. I want to encourage them to find their own answers. If I don’t wrestle, I can’t truly wait on the outside of the ring, and cheer on someone else in this fight.

But here is the encouraging thing; every person I’ve talked to has given me a different answer. You would think that would discourage me, but it has done the opposite for two reasons. One, because there is no formula it is going to be hard for me to screw this up. I should have known that God doesn’t give us formulas for anything else, so why should he for this too. Two, other people have struggled just like me! PRAISE THE LORD I’M NOT ALONE! I think that was my biggest fear in asking, that I was going to get weird looks and I would get kicked out my Christian college. I haven’t been kicked out, yet, and my questions have seemed pretty welcomed, so I think I’ll keep asking.

I would ask for some extra prayers though. There is no convenient time for this, and the end of a semester I feel is a particularly gruesome one.  I would also ask you, if you feel comfortable, to share your story with me. What questions have you asked God? How have you handled this process? Chances are, if you’re reading this, you have had a hand in carrying me this far, and I want to thank you for that. You are such a rock star!

Saturday, January 26, 2013

College is weird

*DISCLAIMER: Please pardon this mild bout of teenage angst. I hope it encourages others to talk about being awkward, which will hopefully help you feel less awkward. This is not a plea for help or fake complimets, it is merely some word vomit on page. I'm happy where I am and would change it for the world.*

Here is what I’ve discovered; the first year of college might be the most INSANELY awkward time of your life. Forget middle school, and that’s saying something because those were pretty harsh on me, the first year of college is bizarre.

To start, many first time college kids have never spent anytime truly being independent. They just spent the last eighteen years either having their moves dictated by their parents or narrating their moves to their parents. Then, you pack up, get dropped off, and the boundary is suddenly different. For me, I moved 1,000+ miles away and I mean I could call my parents when I got in every night but, 1) that would be weird and 2) they can’t really do much about my actions. (I promise, I haven’t become some crazy rebel, and I still respect my parents more than you could ever know.) For kids and parents alike, it’s this awkward, “WHAT DO WE DO???!!!!” moment that takes quite a bit of trial and error.

Second, I don’t know about you, but I lived in the same area with the same people for most of my life. I met a solid group of kids in fourth grade, and while there was some fluctuating numbers, I really didn’t have to truly make friends. I went from obligated to friendships, to “am I even socially acceptable anymore?” Awkward, to say the least.

From there, you’re thrown in a building with hundreds of other people who weren’t raised like you. Conflict resolution, bathroom time, the sleeping situation, the study habits, EVERYTHING requires some weird form of co-existing. College is like the ultimate blended family without parents. I’m still trying to figure it out.

Some days, I really feel like I’m getting the hang of my new life. I feel confident, strong, sure of myself. Then days, like this week, I just feel awkward, like I’m just stumbling through college. I’ve felt so out of my comfort zone this week. I went to go pick up a soccer ball and I just couldn’t grab it, my hands couldn’t compute what my brain was telling it to do and I ultimately looked like a fool.

I had those days in high school too. And maybe the rest of my life will be like that. One day, I’m the swan, the next day I’m the ugly duckling. Maybe that’s OK though? And maybe I’m just crazy?

So, what about you? Every feel like you span the spectrum? Any advice on not being awkward in college?


^College is kind of like this^

Saturday, January 12, 2013

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!


So, it’s been about one year since I started a blog. It’s funny because I’m sitting in the same spot looking out the same window that I did when I wrote my first blog. I can’t help but think about how much life has changed in the year. I’ve said some tough good-byes and even harder “see-ya laters”. But I’ve also met beautiful people and moved to a new city that has helped grow in ways I never imagined.

With all of that being said, I’ve decided to make some New Year’s Resolutions.

(All of you who are anti-resolution feel free to stop reading and keep cynical comments to yourself.)

Here are my four resolutions:

1.       Get healthy (I know cliché)

2.       Go on more adventures

3.       Write more letters

4.       Remember that I am a branch

I know, getting healthy is a resolution that everyone makes, but a) I get to go to Hawaii (WOOT WOOT) and b) I’m going into a career field where I will be, hopefully, a role model. I want to set the example that taking care of yourself is not selfish, but important. It’s something that is going to be extremely difficult for myself, but I’m going about it in a different way, so hopefully that will get better results.

Adventures, something I’ve always fantasized about but never actually done. I mean I’ve had adventures here and there, but it’s time for me to do it more. To start, adventures scare me more than clowns (another blog for another day, maybe). Adventuring means trusting things you’ve never trusted, and meeting people you‘ve never dreamt of meeting, and seeing things that might rock your world, but it’s all OK. I just got back from an adventure with two of my best friends where we sat in a lecture hall for three hundred and tweeted on a giant projection screen. The whole time, I was a nervous wreck, but it was so fun and I would do it again (look, I’m already making good on my resolutions). Now that I’m in a new city, and I know I can handle the academic part of college, I vow to explore more and have more fun!

I love getting letters, but I can’t expect to get letters without sending them, so I vow to write one letter a week. If you want a letter from the fabulous state of CA, or while I’m in WA, send me your address! That’s really all of the elaboration that’s needed.

Now being a branch, you probably think I’m a crazy tree-hugger, but bear with me here and I’ll explain.  The very first Bible verse I was encouraged to memorize was John 15:5 “I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing.” I’m pretty sure I didn’t actually memorize it, but it has recently come back on my heart. You only know what kind of a branch the branch is by what it is connected to. Where I’m connecting myself determines who I am. I must remember to always connect myself to God.

And with that, I conclude my explanations of my resolutions. Let me know what yours are!