Get me Some Spandex

For this next season of my life, I’m going to need some spandex, a mouth guard, a mask, and/or a cape because I have decided to wrestle.

No, not like that, I’ve decided to wrestle with God.

Every time a question or doubt or issue I had with God came up, I shoved it down. I would say things like, “Well, I love God and that’s most or important.” Or, I would feel shame for being frustrated with God because I was a leader and people depended on me. Honestly, when these rumblings first started, I felt inclined to go back to my old ways, but something is different this time. I still feel a little guilty for not following blindly, but I can’t do it anymore.

I think I’m deciding to fight for two reasons.

One, because I believe it is OK to question. I’ve encouraged it in everyone but me. (I have a terrible habit of giving advice that I can’t take.) It is healthy to really examine your life and the things that it revolves around. I do not doubt God’s existence. I’m still going to church. I haven’t grown apathetic towards God either. So the fears that you have about high school church kids that go away to school and change religions aren’t found here. Granted I’m super frustrated right now and crying more than I have all semester, but I’m not giving up.

Two, I want to do ministry for the rest of my life and hopefully people will be asking these questions and I can say, “Well, here’s what I did, but that isn’t guaranteed to work for you.” I want to walk with others through their questions. I want to encourage them to find their own answers. If I don’t wrestle, I can’t truly wait on the outside of the ring, and cheer on someone else in this fight.

But here is the encouraging thing; every person I’ve talked to has given me a different answer. You would think that would discourage me, but it has done the opposite for two reasons. One, because there is no formula it is going to be hard for me to screw this up. I should have known that God doesn’t give us formulas for anything else, so why should he for this too. Two, other people have struggled just like me! PRAISE THE LORD I’M NOT ALONE! I think that was my biggest fear in asking, that I was going to get weird looks and I would get kicked out my Christian college. I haven’t been kicked out, yet, and my questions have seemed pretty welcomed, so I think I’ll keep asking.

I would ask for some extra prayers though. There is no convenient time for this, and the end of a semester I feel is a particularly gruesome one.  I would also ask you, if you feel comfortable, to share your story with me. What questions have you asked God? How have you handled this process? Chances are, if you’re reading this, you have had a hand in carrying me this far, and I want to thank you for that. You are such a rock star!